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Jane, a mother of a toddler and a teenager, learns that her spouse of fifteen years will soon deploy to Iraq. Having never been separated before, she does not know how to cope with his unexpected departure.
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Mary, an active duty soldier and mother of three, is dealing with marital problems and questions whether her marriage will withstand her one-year, unaccompanied tour to South Korea.
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Sam and Virginia, both active duty service members, will deploy to Iraq in several months and worry how their teenage son will handle living with his grandmother.
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Billy, a soldier and a father, will deploy in three weeks and his ex-girlfriend won’t allow him to see his 3-year-old son and his current girlfriend questions his fidelity.
These are examples of situations faced by American servicemen and women and their families. As the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan continue, and more people are affected directly or indirectly by the fallout, it is time to look at ways to cope with the stress that accompanies the emotional challenges of deployment. Listed below are general principles which may help servicemen and women and their families deal with pre-deployment, deployment and post-deployment. Psychologists often play an important role in helping service members and their families manage the significant psychological stressors that accompany these stages of military service.
Pre-Deployment Strategy
In the pre-deployment phase, military families
commonly experience stress related to money, finances and
relationships. The impact of these stressors can leave family
members feeling isolated, resentful, confused, angry, and
hopeless.
As the deployment date draws near
soldiers may experience feelings of denial, frustration,
guilt, and fear. An overwhelming sense of anxiety
and reduced emotional or physical closeness with family
and friends may result. Many soldiers admit to locking
down and further isolating themselves from loved ones
to minimize the pain of leaving.
During this period, it is very helpful
to manage the stressors that you have under your control.
Here are some ideas to help family members and servicemen
and women cope during pre-deployment:
Tips for Family Members:
- Recognize when you are having trouble coping and know where to turn for help. Take advantage of nearby psychologists and support groups.
- Identify the many tasks and activities that family members must assume responsibility for during deployment. Family members frequently become accustomed to these new roles. If these role changes aren’t communicated to the service member prior to his/her return home, conflicts may result.
- Work to create opportunities for lasting memories. Involve your entire family in getting ready for your service member’s deployment.
- Locate a support group for the family. Seclusion can make family members feel irritable, disorganized and depressed. This isolation can lead to substance abuse, binge shopping, overeating, infidelity, major depression, and psychotic thoughts and behavior.
- Remember that there will always be unfinished business, things that don’t get done or said, and family activities missed. You can’t do it all before deployment.
Tips for Servicemen and Women:
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Get your business affairs in order. Tackle issues such as tax preparation, child care, finances, home repairs, and wills. Set up a system that can be implemented while you are gone.
- Even though your family has important routines already in place, create new traditions for them to follow during your deployment. Have family members fill a scrapbook of your letters and other souvenirs. Have children read your letters during dinner to reinforce family values, give them a sense of being special, and bridge the miles between you and your loved ones.
- It’s typical for some couples to experience significant arguments during pre-deployment. Be aware that these disagreements are usually caused by the stress of the imminent departure. Many couples admit that it is easier to be angry rather than face the pain of goodbye.
- Couples should discuss their expectations of each other during deployment. Talk about issues such as fidelity, marital integrity, budgeting, and child-rearing to name a few. Resolving marital issues and setting ground rules is easier done face-to-face rather than miles apart. It is unlikely that these issues will be addressed once the service member has left; they will simply be postponed.
- Remember that this can be a chaotic, tumultuous time when errands need to be finished, difficult issues need to be resolved, and high expectations need to be fulfilled. It’s normal to feel like you’ve fallen short. Don’t expect that you can do it all.
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